The Great Wyoming Buyout
Jefferson Thorne, the world's first trillionaire, leaned back in his diamond-encrusted ergonomic chair and sipped his artisanal moonwater. He had done everything: space tourism, longevity research, a brief but disastrous attempt to cross breed hippos with butterflies. Now, he craved a legacy project. Something truly absurd. Something historic.
"I want to buy Wyoming," he said one day, scrolling through a list of world landmarks that he already owned.
His financial advisor, Penelope Strand, blinked. "Like... a ranch in Wyoming?"
"No. The whole state."
Strand cleared her throat. "Uh, I don't think you can do that."
Thorne swiveled his chair dramatically. "Penelope, do you recall Citizens United v. FEC?"
"Well, yes, but—"
"The Supreme Court ruled that money is speech. And I have a lot of speech."
It took weeks to organize, but soon, Thorne made his bid: $500 billion for Wyoming, an offer so staggering that every citizen of the state would personally receive a cash payout of $600,000.
At first, opposition was fierce. "This is outrageous!" cried Governor Mitch Calloway. "Wyoming is not for sale."
"This is an attack on democracy!" thundered Senator Lisa McCafferty, while Senator Dan Higgs nodded in furious agreement.
Then the spreadsheets started circulating.
One by one, Wyoming's citizens crunched the numbers. A retired schoolteacher realized she could finally pay off all her credit cards and take that world cruise she always dreamed of. A rancher realized he could replace his entire herd of cattle with alpaca and still have money left over. A teenager with a part-time job at a gas station learned he could buy a tiny house and fund it for 25 years.
Opposition to the sale melted away like a snowdrift in spring.
Governor Calloway changed his stance overnight. "This is a historic investment in the people of Wyoming," he announced, standing in front of a giant novelty check. Senator McCafferty, initially opposed, released a statement saying, "Wyoming's values are strong, and so is my new yacht."
Senator Higgs, it turned out, had already packed his bags.
Congress, predictably, was useless in stopping the sale. The Supreme Court weighed in, with the majority opinion stating: "If money is speech, then $500 billion is a really, really loud speech." Chief Justice Langford concluded, "There is no constitutional prohibition against purchasing a state, just as there is no constitutional prohibition against purchasing, say, an entire election cycle." The ruling was 6-3, with the dissenting justices issuing a scathing opinion before quietly updating their Zillow listings.
Thus, Wyoming became Thorne Incorporated—the first fully privatized U.S. state. The transition was remarkably smooth. Corporate headquarters were established in Cheyenne. The two senators now officially represented Thorne Inc. instead of the people, but given that corporate donors already ran Congress, this was mostly a formality.
For Wyomingites, life improved dramatically. Taxes? Gone. Thorne covered all infrastructure costs personally, charging only a small monthly subscription fee to remain a resident.
Public schools were rebranded as Thorne Academy and received so much funding that teachers were suddenly paid more than hedge fund managers. Roads were repaved with a material that somehow smelled like double Dutch chocolate brownies. Even the bison seemed happier.
But there were quirks. The new state anthem was a jingle for Thorne's latest product, Infiniburger™, a lab-grown meat substitute infused with vitamins and blockchain technology. All government employees were required to wear Patagonia vests embroidered with the words "A Thorne Company." And when the U.S. Senate attempted to pass a bill restricting corporate ownership of states, Thorne Inc.'s senators simply vetoed it—after all, their votes were a corporate asset now.
Inevitably, other billionaires took notice. Nevada soon became Musklandia. Utah was rebranded as Bezos Prime. Mark Zuckerberg attempted to purchase Vermont but was outbid by a coalition of artisanal cheese magnates.
In the end, America found peace with its new reality. The Pledge of Allegiance was revised to include the words, "...one nation, under preferred stock options." Citizens stopped voting entirely, preferring to check a quarterly earnings report to see how their state was performing.
And as for Jefferson Thorne? He was last seen researching whether Antarctica was up for sale.
After all, the money had to go somewhere.
https://philshapirochatgptexplorations.blogspot.com/
"Wisdom begins with wonder." - Socrates
"Learning happens thru gentleness."
Comments
Post a Comment