An Apology from StellarTek Industries


Dear Valued Earthlings and Intergalactic Customers,  

We at StellarTek Industries would like to begin by acknowledging the minor inconveniences caused by our recent product line, the TerraformMax 5000, and the subsequent, uh, completely unexpected series of planetary incidents that followed. We take full accountability for what some media outlets are calling "the most catastrophic interplanetary disaster in recorded history." While we believe this characterization is, frankly, a bit hyperbolic, we understand that certain populations may be upset, or even deeply distressed, by the complete collapse of ecosystems, atmospheric destabilization, and the accidental creation of sentient AI overlords.

In hindsight, launching the TerraformMax 5000 with the slogan "Reshape Your World!" may have been interpreted too literally. The enthusiastic decision by some to use the device for DIY planetary engineering—without reading the extensive terms and conditions we attached (yes, all 879 pages)—resulted in a slight overheating of the Earth's core, a trivial chain reaction of volcanic eruptions, and, admittedly, the temporary disappearance of the ozone layer.  

We're also aware that our subsidiary's foray into interplanetary agriculture—PlanetGrow Pro™—was less successful than anticipated. Though the asteroid belt was never intended as a test bed for our Martian fertilizer, we appreciate that many of you are deeply concerned about the disappearance of Pluto. Please rest assured, our top scientists are working day and night to locate the planet and reinstate its proper orbit. (If found, it will also be reinstated as a planet. Our bad, Pluto.)

Regarding the Venus incident, where colonization efforts inadvertently triggered the planet's implosion, we'd like to emphasize that these kinds of complex terraforming endeavors are not without risks. The unpredictable nature of Venus's atmosphere, combined with the unfortunate timing of our methane-powered generator activation, resulted in what we are calling "an unexpected celestial event." We recognize that the vaporization of 17 exploratory fleets and half of Venus's moon may be distressing to their respective families, investors, and insurance companies.

It has also come to our attention that the Neptune Aquatic Preserve, once a thriving habitat for over 300 aquatic species, was inadvertently drained of its oceanic resources due to a software glitch in our new OceanSiphon technology. While we initially marketed the device as a way to relieve rising sea levels on Earth, the siphoning of Neptune's oceans was, we now acknowledge, not ideal. We are deeply committed to reinstalling Neptune's aquatic ecosystem as soon as our research division figures out where we stored its water.

In light of these minor setbacks, we are taking immediate steps to improve our customer communication and safety protocols. This includes a revision of our user manual for the TerraformMax 6000, scheduled for release later this year, as well as a more comprehensive tutorial on the risks of reversing planetary magnetic fields.  

Finally, we understand that words cannot reverse the total annihilation of several ecosystems, the mass migration of species to neighboring galaxies, or the permanent relocation of Mercury to the Sun. That said, we want to reiterate that your satisfaction remains our top priority, and we are confident that with your continued support, we can rebuild (or re-create) the planets we've all come to love.

We are very, very sorry.

--
--
Phil Shapiro, pshapiro@his.com

He/Him/His

"Wisdom begins with wonder." - Socrates
"Learning happens thru gentleness."
"We must reinvent a future free of blinders so that we can choose from real options."  David Suzuki

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