What to do When Your Black Hole Collides with Another Black Hole
When your black hole collides with another black hole, the first thing you'll need to do is call your insurance company. Tell them where and when the collision occurred. Take photos of the collision. Exchange insurance information with the other black hole. If your black hole engulfed an entire other galaxy, note down the name of the other galaxy. Keep track of how many stars and planets were contained in the other galaxy.
If any quasars witnessed the accident, be sure to get their contact information as potential witnesses. Your claims adjuster may want to speak with them later, although keep in mind quasars tend to exaggerate—they just love to shine a spotlight on themselves. Pulsars, on the other hand, are more reliable, but their testimonies can come in bursts, which may confuse the paperwork.
Do not, under any circumstances, admit responsibility at the scene. The gravitational laws are complicated, and both black holes technically drew each other in. Most cosmic courts consider it a "mutual attraction incident." If the other black hole insists it had the right of way on that spiral arm of the galaxy, just remain calm and exchange event horizon diagrams.
If a gravitational wave was emitted, request a certified copy for your records. Gravitational waves are like cosmic skid marks—they'll help the insurance company reconstruct exactly what happened. Try to get the waveform analyzed before it dissipates into the general background noise of the universe. Otherwise, your insurer may claim you were just making it up to get a bigger payout.
Now, depending on your coverage, the insurer might classify this as a "galactic-scale accident" rather than a "standard singularity fender-bender." If so, your deductible could be the mass of a small moon. Some policies also exclude coverage if you were traveling faster than the local escape velocity at the time of impact. Be ready to provide precise measurements, or at least a sworn affidavit from a nearby interstellar gas cloud.
Also, keep an eye out for opportunists. Rogue asteroids might try to sneak in a claim, insisting they were "emotionally distressed" by the collision. Entire civilizations might file lawsuits saying their constellations are now "inconveniently scrambled." Be prepared for a long trial in Cosmic Small Claims Court, presided over by a very old, very cranky neutron star.
Finally, be patient. Black hole insurance claims can take billions of years to resolve. In the meantime, you may be offered a temporary neutron star as a rental, though it won't have nearly the same gravitational pull and may lack that "infinite density luxury" you're used to. If you get lucky, they might loan you a white dwarf—compact, efficient, and far easier to park in a crowded star cluster.
But whatever happens, remember: collisions are a natural part of cosmic life. Shake off the dark matter dust, keep your singularity polished, and next time—always check your mirrors before merging event horizons.
(This humor is donated to the public domain.)
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"Wisdom begins with wonder." - Socrates
"Learning happens thru gentleness."
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