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Why the Roman Empire Fell

Much has been written about the fall of the Roman Empire—barbarian invasions, political corruption, overexpansion, economic instability, and the lead content of their cookware. But historians have overlooked the real culprit: astronomical cell phone roaming charges. The Romans were done in by the roamings.  Let me explain. The Romans were brilliant engineers. They built aqueducts that carried water over mountains, roads straighter than your cousin Marcus after basic training, and a postal system that could get a message from Gaul to Rome faster than you could say "Et tu, Brute?" With such prowess, they naturally assumed that managing their mobile phone network would be child's play. After all, how hard could it be to send a text from Britannia? Very hard, as it turns out—especially when your service provider is Imperium Mobile and you forgot to add the Mediterranean Unlimited Roaming Bundle™ to your plan. Picture this: It's 378 AD. Emperor Valens is deep in negotiat...
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Each Month, I Strive for at Least 200 Rejections

Each month, I strive to be rejected at least 200 times. When I don't receive that many rejections, I become dismayed. It's as if the world doesn't care about rejecting me. Why 200? Because rejection is the surest sign I'm pushing the boundaries. Each "no" I receive means I asked for something. A sale. A partnership. A speaking gig. A raise. A retweet from a Nobel laureate. A bold idea pitched to someone whose assistant's assistant once emailed me back in 2019. I track my rejections like other people track sales. I use a spreadsheet titled "Victory in Failure," and every "no" goes in a green cell. When I hit 200 rejections in a month, I give myself a high five, take a long walk, and maybe buy myself a slice of cake. Why? Because rejection is evidence of courage. It's proof that I'm risking something, that I'm not hiding. The weird part? Chasing rejection works. Somewhere around rejection #76, someone says "yes." A b...
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Striving to Rise Above New York Times Level Writing - A Short Play

IN THE KITCHEN – EVENING A teenage boy named Connor McPhee slouches at the dinner table, prodding at a pile of roasted carrots with the listless energy of someone whose dreams have just been editorially rejected . Across the table, his earnest parents, Debra and Carl McPhee , sit poised like NPR hosts about to ask a Very Thoughtful Question . Debra: Connor, honey, we got your English grade today. A C-minus? That's... not your usual form. Carl (nodding solemnly): We just want to understand what happened. Did you forget the assignment? Were you distracted? Did the Wi-Fi go out during another Fortnite tournament? Connor (sighing like a man twice his age): No, Dad. None of that. Miss Thompkins says my writing "lacks originality." That it sounds too much like The New York Times . Packed with tired clichés. Debra (perking up): Wait… the New York Times ? Like, the New York Times? That wins Pulitzers? That one? Connor: Yeah. Apparently, that's not a compliment in 11th grade...
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Are Tie-Dye T Shirts a Dyeing Breed?

Once the vibrant uniform of peace-loving rebels, drum-circle dwellers, and summer camp counselors everywhere, the tie-dye t-shirt is now slowly swirling its way into the annals of fashion history — one fading spiral at a time. These psychedelic relics, once proudly sported by anyone with a gallon of Rit dye and a rebellious spirit, are now facing extinction in the wild (and in department stores). You see, tie-dye shirts are a dyeing breed. Not just because of shifting fashion trends, but because their natural habitat — the backyards of overenthusiastic DIYers — is being overtaken by minimalist aesthetics and monochrome influencers. Kids today are more likely to iron their shirts than twist, rubber-band, and plunge them into buckets of liquid rainbow. A tragedy, really. Gone are the days when a poorly tied tee with suspicious splotches was a badge of artistic courage. Now, it's all sleek, muted tones with names like "bone," "sand," and "fog." (All of w...
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Into the Heart of Amazon: A Jungle of Wonders and Commerce

The Amazon is vast, complex, and often misunderstood. Stretching across borders and touching nearly every corner of the modern world, Amazon is a thriving, tangled ecosystem of growth, competition, and mystery. To understand Amazon is to step into a world where survival depends on adaptability, innovation, and a relentless drive to dominate the landscape. At its core, Amazon is a densely interconnected network. Each part, though seemingly independent, is inextricably linked to the whole. Resources are constantly being extracted, transported, and repurposed. Some are renewable, others are consumed at a staggering rate. Life in Amazon is fast-paced and ruthlessly efficient—only the most agile thrive. The diversity within Amazon is staggering. One moment you may stumble upon an obscure species—or product—that has adapted perfectly to a micro-niche, and the next you're dwarfed by towering giants whose roots stretch across continents and industries. These giants often overshadow the sma...
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Delivering Yaks, via Drone, to Mount Everest Base Camp

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Drona Yakowitz Director of Aerial Livestock Logistics YakPak Drones, Inc. Email: yakpak@droneyakventures.biz Website: www.YakPakToTheTop.com YakPak Drones Revolutionizes Himalayan Logistics: Delivers Yaks By Drone to Everest Base Camp   KATHMANDU, NEPAL – July 14, 2025 – In a bold leap forward for aerial logistics, YakPak Drones, Inc., the world's first drone-based livestock delivery startup, announced today the successful delivery of its first herd of yaks—yes, actual yaks—to Mount Everest Base Camp via autonomous drone fleet.   In a statement that left even seasoned climbers scratching their ice-chapped heads, YakPak's CEO and former llama-wrangling tech mogul, Skyler "Buzz" Thunderloop, declared: "Instead of using yaks to deliver supplies to Mount Everest base camp, a new drone company is skipping the supplies and delivering yaks, by drone , to Mount Everest base camp." Thunderloop elaborated, "We asked ourselves, Wh...
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The Moon vs. U.S. Patent and Trademark Office

SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES The Moon, Petitioner v. United States Patent and Trademark Office, et al. Argued: February 18, 2025 Decided: July 7, 2025 Opinion of the Court by JUSTICE LUNAR In the matter of Moon v. United States Patent and Trademark Office , we are called to determine whether the celestial body known as the Moon possesses a valid and enforceable property interest in the term "moonshot," and, if so, what judicial remedy is proper against the widespread appropriation of said term by various commercial and governmental actors. I. Background The Moon, long regarded as a passive participant in human language and lore, filed suit in 2023 against the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) and 17 private corporations, asserting that the term "moonshot" constitutes an intellectual and dignitary interest intrinsic to its identity. The Moon alleges that since the coining of the term during the Apollo era, its use in contexts far afield from l...
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