Phil Shapiro ChatGPT Explorations

For years, politicians have been hollering about the urgent need to "reduce taxes." But maybe, just maybe, we've been mishearing them. What they should be saying is: reduce Texas. Look, Texas is huge. It's so big that when you cross the state line, your watch needs a snack break. If you start driving from El Paso to Beaumont, you'll need three different playlists, four burritos, and possibly a second birthday. It's a state so vast that when someone says, "I'm from West Texas," you still have to ask, "Which time zone ?" Reducing Texas would solve all sorts of problems: Climate change: Smaller Texas means fewer square miles of 110°F weather to heat the planet. Travel convenience: Shrink it down, and road trips won't require overnight stays, seven tanks of gas, and a notarized will. Geopolitical safety: Right now, Texas is big enough to have its own foreign policy. Reduce it, and suddenly it's less of a threat to… Oklahoma. Ho...

Clarence P. Thistlewhack III had two great loves in his life: the complete works of Emily Dickinson and his wrought iron bed, which he had named "Sir Slumberlot." Sir Slumberlot was no ordinary bed. Forged in 1892 by a mildly famous blacksmith-slash-poet from Akron, the bed had scrollwork so intricate it once caused a houseguest to weep softly while brushing their teeth. Its headboard depicted a battle scene between two napping unicorns, and the footboard was a majestic swirl of iron curlicues that served as both a fashion statement and a surprisingly effective toe trap. Clarence often said, "Some men seek peace in monasteries, others in hammocks. I find mine between two cast-iron cherubs cradling a bouquet of steel roses." It was unclear whether he meant his bed or a particularly confusing dream he once had, but no one dared to ask. Then came the fire. It started innocently enough — a birthday cake with 93 candles (Clarence was only 58 but felt he deserved the admi...